my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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