man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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