I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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