I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
