Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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