He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
