I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
