Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
