Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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