what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
