I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
