just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
