Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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