This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
