It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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