I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
