Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
