I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
