I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
