she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
