I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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