apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
