I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
