you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
