so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
