Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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