Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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