Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What a dumb baby whore.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
