I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
