They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
