just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
