On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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