I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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