I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize