you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
