How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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