how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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