I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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