I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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