I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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