Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
