I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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