I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize