come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
