Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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