I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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