It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize