I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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