watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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