"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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