I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I forget how to act sober
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
