NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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