just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
