his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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