My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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