I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
