I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
