I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
