Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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