Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
